why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
