so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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