Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
