I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
