I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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