Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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