you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
