I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize