There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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