this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Randomize
