Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
