I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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