i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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