Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
