Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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