Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
