Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
