I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize