I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
