you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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