And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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