Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
