Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
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