respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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