Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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