then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i just made my gag reflex go away.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
