"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
