I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My life is pants optional.
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