Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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