We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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