I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
