Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
