Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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