Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
