You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
