but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
