I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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