this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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