Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
