If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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