I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
