Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
