when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm just crazy horny about you
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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