It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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