God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
