I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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