She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry about my life...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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