Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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