I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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