My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
