bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
