Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
