If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
