he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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