I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
