saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
