areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i just google imaged poop.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
