HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
