So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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