I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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